I'm okay with the Office thing, but if you don't find this awesomely written, I'm not sure.
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/31520 It's a preview for the upcoming movie 300.
I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.
It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.
The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.
I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.
TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:
COOL THING ONE:HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES
Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.
COOL THING TWO:FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS
Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back.
Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.
NOT SO GOOD THING:DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)
These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.
Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.
Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?
My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.
9 comments:
Tim
That is awesome. I strive to write stuff like this. I like the Office, I like bowling, and I like drinking beer. Egan, nice job on the Kevin analysis, probably my 3-5th favorite character on the show. Kevin playing Police covers at a wedding would make it the best wedding ever. If cheek wants us to make a seperate office blog, then he can shove it since he rarely contributes anyway.
Peace.
Tim:
You had me at "Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?"
Man, that is some good writing.
Egan:
Um, Good Job.
Pelsi:
Shove This (right now I am extending my right arm, towards the computer, on a slight angle to the left, I am reaching out my middle finger while i lightly grasp the rest of my sausage like fingers (which are on a chubby hand to boot))
Cheek
I guess I can not call that a literal flip flop since your first post related not being a big fan of the Office, finding things funny that the three of us do not, not wanting to be in the Office fan club, and wanting a seperate portion of the blog for "How one enjoys funny shows like the Office, for dummies" and this post then compliments egan's post, but also includes a pre-emptive "um". I am not one to imply or interpret others thoughts, I mean, I am not Professor Xaiver, so I will not try to dive into the meaning of the "um" or "not being a big fan of the Office", but I will say one thing "you can take that finger of yours and shove that too!"
Anecdotally, a literal flip flop would have occurred if I would have shown you one episode of the Office that contained elements of things you do find funny, and at the same time, not shown you the other 20 episodes that contain things you do not find funny, and then told you that you had to immediately decide if this show was funny or the entire world of funny shows would end. Once you decided that the show was funny after watching maybe 5 minutes, purchased all the seasons for you and all your friends before watching them, watched them, determined that they were not funny, and then stated that the show is not funny, I would accuse you of a literal flip flop.
When I persue a funny comment that has the current US situation in Iraq as the underlying joke, I get a long diatribe of how one is tired about dealing with anything to do with the war, but then the heartfelt comment gets completely removed from the site, As this allows only the Condemned to feel the pain of the author behind the comment, while leaving the others in the dark. But when it comes to that said author writing his own statement resembling similar behind the scenes context in effort to make a point, for some reason his pain is releaved and he is able to talk about something he is so tired of talking about. In response to said author. I suggest you change your handle in the blog to J. Forbes Kerry.
Or, I will just now refer to you as such.
First off, I was joking about the whole shoving thing as I was making fun of your joking dislike of the Office.
Second, as some one who has made fun of the term flip flop since the mainstream use of the word flip flop began, since prior to this decade I only used the word to describe a sandle, I was actually making fun of my own use of the word after since today when I got home, I turned on the news while writing my Miami post, heard it again used not to describe a sandle, realized I used it myself, I then added my own ancedotal comment on how dumb the use of the word is now used, and hence how dumb it was for me to use it. I myself have changed my mind on on more things in my life then probably the average joe, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
Finally, I removed the post you speak of soon after I posted it as I realized it was an emotional overreaction, mean, and the wrong thing to say and hoped no one had actually seen it; however, you can read it into however you wish. I apoligized for it before and am now doing it again.
Futhermore, I have been against the misuse of the term flip flop since it was cool to to be against the misuse of the term flip flop.
I think you two need to rollback your temporary cuts at each other that appear on this blog and are meant for only those involved and return to the glory days that occurred in your college years.
Every time I read this preview I laugh aloud. I usually find something new in it too.
Additionally, it actually makes me want to see the movie.
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